i would put a trigger warning of some sort here, but if you've had a look around this place, you already know. around this time (late spring) last year, i was diagnosed with an eating disorder by a doctor. since then, i have not been treated for it. this has been my own choice. i was not ready and i still am not. will i ever be? that's impossible to say. i don't want to keep doing this forever, but i feel like i have to. without the disorder, i would not be able to exist. living without it would feel empty and unnatural, but i want to try to decrease its presence in my life later this year, when my body looks more like how i want it to. i know that i'm unable to fully unshackle myself, and that's okay. i can live with it. i don't want to be an athlete. i don't want to have children, and sure as hell do not want womanly curves. either way, treating it now would be starting at the wrong end. i don't need anybody to explain to me where it comes from. i'm well aware. i fear my body in general. when i look in the mirror, i never know what i'll see. my face and my body change before me if i look for too long. suddenly every angle, every garment, is unflattering. suddenly, my appearance is even more wrong than it usually is. i fear my body and what has been done to it by others, physically or in their minds. what has been done to it by me. what might happen to it in the future. i want to stay small so that people will feel the need to protect me from the dangers of the world. so that they won't expect much from me. at the same time i hate to be sheltered and underestimated. there are always contradictions. mostly i want to look young, clean, pure and untouched. like someone who has not yet died a thousand deaths att the hands of themselves and others. i want to look like someone who doesn't deserve to suffer, even when the one who tortures me the most is myself. when people ask, i tell them that i just want to be fitter. look nice. but i never felt like i did, even at my lowest weight. i still want to get back down to that weight, or a similar body i should say. i have much more muscle now than i did at previous weights, which leads to me looking thinner at a higher weight. at 57kg, i look like how i used to look at 54kg. i am not opposed to this. my health overall is fine, even though i eat less than 700 calories and exercise for 4 hours a day, usually. right now there's a wound on the sole of my left foot, so i can't exercise, and it's driving me insane. my measurements are descreasing, but the number on the scale remains the same. setting a goal weight at all feels silly for this reason, but i'm going for 48kg anyway, just because i like being underweight. when i reach that, i'll start eating more and exercise a little bit less. i want to have time and energy for other things. i want to eat fruit and rice again. maybe bread even. i just can't take ending up in another binge cycle, like i did last year when i ruined all my progress. perhaps i'll try meal planning or something, and eat by myself until i get used to it so i don't get carried away. this page will be updated with new information as time passes and my weight changes. do not do any of the things i talk about on this page, please. i just want to live my life in peace while documenting my life and struggles, so please don't try to get my site taken down because of this section.
next weigh-in: 13/6