i think i caught a cold or something on my trip. my throat hurts. i wasn't expecting anything else, since i was so close to people i've never met before, and some (one specific person) who i would very much love to meet again. i went to the store, so at least i've got food at home now and i don't have to buy anything else until next week. it seems that i've become afflicted with a new problem. feelings. emotions, if you will. it's painful. i'm not enjoying it, but i don't really want it to go away either. i suppose it gives me a sense of purpose, and something to daydream about. i keep thinking that maybe, when we see each other again, he will tell me that he remembers me, and that seeing me that night meant something to him, just like seeing him meant everything to me. i can't seem to get over it. how he looked at me with those eyes. how his face lit up when he smiled, and how his hand felt on my shoulder. the fabric of his sweater against my skin. i want to wear it. i want to be reminded of what he smelled like. what his hair felt like against my face. i have never felt this way for a person i don't actually know before. but he talked to me like he knew me. he touched me like i was a friend of his. oh how it hurts. it really does. i know i won't be able to think about anything else for months now. the only thing i'm going to focus on is making myself prettier, so i can really blow him away next time. life is beautiful, but only when i'm close to him. (17/6/24)
hi friends. i got back home last night, and i've had such a blast. i haven't been this happy in years. not since i had just met my ex-boyfriend. i had not had as much fun as i did friday night, since i attended a festival with my then best friend and saw Lana Del Rey at age 15. the haircut turned out great. it's really short, but it fits my face. i found the perfect top for the show too, didn't flash anyone, and i got to stand right at the front when my favorite band was on stage. i was so close to the lead singer that i got his sweat all over me. they played my favorite song and i sang along. it was truly magical. i bought a tee and an enamel pin. i'll put it on my jacket later. they gave out postcards for free, so i took one. now for the really special part. i was the only one who wanted anything signed, so they did it just for me. i got to talk to them. i will admit, i've got a little crush on the lead singer, and i have for a while. he looked so pretty when i first saw him come out on stage. prettier than he does in all the pictures and videos i've seen of him. he started talking to me, asking if i liked the show, and said he saw me there at the front. the music was so loud in there that we had to lean in and talk directly into each other's ears. i told him that i loved it, and that i had been looking forward to it for a long time. he smiled so wide at me. it was one of the most beautiful sights i have ever laid my eyes on. then my ex took a picture of me with the entire band. the singer put his arm around my shoulder. his hand felt so warm on my skin. the picture turned out really nice. he smiled in it. i have never seen him smile in a picture with a fan before. i've set it as my desktop background. he gave me a hug before me and my ex went back to the hotel. he smelled so good. i wanted him to hold me forever. i can't wait to see them again. i hope they'll recognize me then. i lost my cigarettes somewhere that night, but that doesn't matter. i got something much more meaningful instead. if life can be this beautiful, i never want to die. (16/6/24)
as usual these days, i'm exhausted. i've been preparing for the trip. it starts tomorrow, and i'll be back home on sunday. the janitor is coming in here tomorrow when i'm not here, so i had to tidy up and clean the entire apartment. i'd feel embarrassed otherwise, knowing that he'd see the mess that was here prior. now it looks nice. i'll be coming home to a clean apartment. future me will be happy. current me just wants to go to bed. i have to get up at 6 tomorrow. it is currently 10 pm. i should take my sleeping pill soon, so i can go to bed before midnight. i'm getting my hair cut by a professional tomorrow. i've been looking forward to that for a long time now. a new look and no more hair in the way all the time. i won't have to tie it back every time i want to do somehting. i just hope and pray that short hair fits me. i should have the face to pull it off, but it's hard to say. also, i have to look in the thift shops for a top that i can wear at the rock show on friday. nothing i own is appropriate. i want something black, tight, and not much coverage. people there don't know me, and my chest is flat anyway, so i'm not worried about accidentally flashing someone. i painted my nails red today. it looks cute despite the hair dye stuck underneath. i'll just have to keep them painted until they've grown out and i can trim off the parts with the dye on them. (12/6/24)
i'm so tired. i haven't really done anything today but that doesn't seem to matter at all. well, i did make a phone call to set up an appointment to get my nexplanon implant switched out for a new one, so at least i won't have to worry about that anymore. i just hope the concentration remains high enough in my body until the new one comes into full effect. i don't want another 6-month period. i wouldn't be able to afford iron supplements and pads right now. today i've begun to feel a profound loneliness. it will likely persist for a while. i felt free after breaking up, but now i want someone to love me like that again. it's just an illusion, i have to remind myself of that. it's because things are going wrong in my life and i want someone to distract me from that. when i get my stuff sorted, hopefully it will go away. when my life feels more fulfilling, i won't be yearning for anyone else. or so i hope, anyway. yesterday i set a picture of my best friend as the homescreen on my phone. they once described our friendship as "vaguely homoerotic" and i do agree. if i never yearn for anyone ever again, i will still yearn for them. they help me through each day of this life that feels so unlivable. it will all be worth it as long as i get to spend my days with them. that's the only future i'm willing to fight for. nothing else has ever mattered to me more. (10/6/24)
i voted today. it was eu-election day and i voted for the green party. it had been 2 years since i last voted. it makes me nervous. i've spent the weekend with my ex. we had a good time. no arguing. he mentioned once that i could move back in with my parents if my financial situation becomes too dire. no i can't. i'd be dead within a month. also, i wouldn't be able to see him, or his family, or my therapist, or invite my online friends into my home, so there would be no reason for me to stay alive to begin with. i'm messaging my mother as i type this. she says that they'll help me pay my rent if needed, as long as i pay them back later. i feel like crying and i'm not sure why. i didn't want it to come to this, but it did. my parents bought my sister a house. since then i've told myself and others that i was never going to let myself end up in that situation. but i did. it feels like shit, but the choice is between that and living on the street. and the third option, suicide. i'm gonna try to avoid that one, even if it's getting increasingly temping. i'm not done here yet. now that i finally know what i want to do, i can't give up. anyways. my ex helped cut my hair. it doesn't look very nice, but it doesn't need to. i dyed it today. i don't know what it looks like from the back, but i hope it's even. the color looks good on me. i've really missed having darker hair. also, i don't need to worry about not being able to lose weight for the trip next week. i don't have enough food to last me until thursday, unless i ration it. that's what i'll do. today i only had breakfast, and i'll do the same on wednesday. (9/6/24)
i can't seem to actually lose any weight. my body changes, the number does not. maybe it's stress? maybe i need to switch up my diet? i actually did that today a little bit. i bought 50 grams of roasted and salted peanuts and some sliced honedew. it was nice. i hadn't had fruit at all since april i think, so it's been a while. i hope it does something to help me lose a little bit. i hope it's not stress because i can't change that. wouldn't it be ironic if i'm plateauing due to stress about the trip i'm urgently trying to lose weight for in the first place? oh well. maybe i just have to be thankful for the fact that i look lighter than i am and stop worrying so much. i look nice, i do. usually i don't really see it in myself, not my body at least, but i look normal. not fat. i am not fat. i'm closer to being underweight than overweight, but i still feel like people see me as larger than average, even though i'm not. i'm glad that others can look at me in a more objective manner than i can look at myself. other people, at least some, find me attractive. above average. i don't know whether most of them have said it because they mean it, or because they want to charm me in an attempt to get in my pants. so far it has only worked for one guy, so it's not a very effective method. anyway, i washed my hair again today. this is because i'm going to dye it on sunday, and it's not supposed to be fully clean when i dye it. but, i still want it to be semi-clean on saturday, because i'm going to cut it then, and keep it in a bag to make something from. maybe a bracelet or something nice to put on the wall. i have several bags of hair in a drawer in this apartment, and some in my old room as well. i miss my old room. my crt-tv and my little bed. and all the stuff still on the shelves. i haven't forgotten about it. (6/6/24)
my ex refused to stay at the psychiatric hospital last night, and he didn't want to be at his mom's house, so he came here instead. it was after 10 pm, and he left before 10 am this morning, so i didn't mind. he doesn't seem to want to argue with me anymore, which is nice, since i will likely be helping him housesit for his mom this weekend. i went for a walk today, without a bandaid or anything on my foot, just a sock. it didn't hurt at all. and i can shower with both feet in the bathtub now. oh how i have missed being able to clean myself properly. i got a letter yesterday that i forgot to write about here. i applied for disability in mid-april, and was told that it would take around 4 months until a decision would be made. here i was, thinking that i would start receiving money in august, and finally be able to start my own life, not having to depend on others. but now i've found out that nobody has even been assigned to my case yet, and nobody will be for another 2-4 months. this means that it may take 8 months until i start getting money, so i'm gonna be stuck in my current situation for a great while longer, unless i can get some help from my local social services. that is, if it's even allowed to have applications pending for 2 different kinds of benefits at a time. i don't know. i just want to live, if that's not too much to ask. apparently, it is. (5/6/24)
i exercised today for the first time in a week. it felt good, but god do i hate indoor biking. it's boring. it hurts after a while. i much prefer walking, but walking burns less calories so i prioritize biking. today i did both, but the walk was short. i just wanted to make sure that my foot felt alright to walk on with my running shoes, and it did, so i'm happy about that. now i don't have to sit inside all day. i don't even have to wear a bandaid on my foot while i'm inside anymore. maybe now i'll be able to sleep for more than 6 hours every night, hopefully. i was going to have dinner with my ex today, not the same food, at the moment i only eat what i've made myself, but i was supposed to bring my food over there and we'd eat together. that did not happen. i'm not sure why, but he's on his way to the psychiatric hospital again. so i ate alone. i don't mind. at least he's going to get some help. he needs it. (4/6/24)
i went to therapy this morning. it was good. i love my therapist. we always laugh together almost no matter what we talk about. sometimes she feels like a much wiser friend. she says she enjoys listening to me talk. and i wore shoes for the first time since wednesday. my foot is healing. it didn't even hurt to walk. soon i'll only need to bandage it when i'm going out. i was afraid that it wouldn't heal in time for my little vacation on the 13th, but sometimes things do go the way you want them to. "something's gotta turn out right", like Alice in Chains said. i made soup today. the stuff at the bottom of the pot got burnt, and that made me a bit sad, but the rest of it was good. now i don't have to think about dinner again until next monday. what should i eat next monday? maybe something fun, or maybe just canned soup. i don't know. we'll see. i wore denim shorts today. my thighs are unshaven but it doesn't matter. the more i start living for what i like to do, the less things like that matter. i used to want a nose job to get rid of the little hump. now i don't. it looks the way it looks and it fits my face and i can breathe just fine most of the time. i used to want to get my boobs done. oh how i wished that they would grow when i was in my early teens. did they? not really, but i used bras anyway because i wanted to feel grown up. now i don't mind my flat chest. i don't need to use bras, so i don't. not even sports bras if i'm just exercising the way i usually do. besides, i'm too scared to go under the knife anyway. i've never had surgery and i don't want to. as long as my body parts function the way i need them to, i'll just let them be. and i won't shave my arms like i started doing when i was 10, or my pubes like i started doing when i was, what, 13? the only parts i've kept shaving on and off since the age of 17 are my legs. i wax my armpits sometimes, and tend to the bush in various ways when i feel like it. i come as i am and as i want to be, and that's just the way it's going to be. i never want to bend to someone else's preferences again. (3/6/24)
we made up over the phone yesterday and he slept here last night. we agreed that nothing is only one person's fault, and that we had been fighting for each other at different points. when i did, he couldn't see it. when he did, i couldn't see it. we've been busy inside our own heads, with our own problems, unable to see anything else. it was okay having him over, no more arguing. i don't have the energy for it. he's away today with his dad's family, and won't be back until after midnight, so i'm alone today. will try to get some stuff done. i'm greasy and the dishes have been piling up. i'm the only one who does them, and i suppose thats fine, at least i know they're done properly. my foot doesn't hurt to walk on anymore, hopefully that means it's healing quickly, despite my poor circulation and calorie deficit. on the topic of calorie deficit, i have lost half a kilogram since thursday. it is now sunday. i'm pleased with this. i feel quite weak, but i likely have a fever right now, so that may be why. and i might not be drining enough water. i don't feel thirsty because i'm not exercising right now like i'm used to doing. either way, i will try to get 6 glasses of water in every day. i don't feel like it. it doesn't taste good toe. i'll just have to power through. i must wash my hair today, and take a bath or shower without getting my foot wet. how? i'll figure it out. that's what i do. (2/6/24)
my ex just left the apartment. he called me before he came over to say that he was angry and wanted to speak to me. that made me nervous. he said that he was sick of paying my bills. i left everything to move here and be with him, but he doesn't understand that. it doesn't matter how many times i tell him that i'm ashamed of letting him pay for me, or that he knows that i have no money. it's not my fault that my psychologist and my doctor agree that i can't work. they're trying to help me to get on disability, but it takes time. what am i supposed to do, sell off my belongings? sell myself? he's mad because i feel backed into a corner whenever he's here. becuse i feel trapped unless i'm alone. because i need time to heal by myself. he doesn't even want to be here. he says that he hates being at his mom's house, but that he hates being here even more. he says that he was the only one putting in effort to make our relationship work. oh really? what was i doing when i hid my issues away from him because i knew he was too fragile to hear about them? when i did all the houseworked and cooked all the food (always 2 different dishes. i was on a 200 calorie a day diet at the time, but still kept the home in pristine condition), and he never thanked me even once until it broke me down to the point that i cried about it? who did all his dishes and wiped every stain and crumb of his off from the table when he was "doing too badly to clean up after himself"? who cleaned the toilet that only he has ever used since we moved in? who supported him through his suicide attempt while dealing with my own problems? i did. all he has ever done is pay the bills, not because he works, but because he's on disability. and here he comes, telling me that i take all his energy and that he's been too nice to me. when i start getting money of my own, he will never have to see me again. i hope he'll be happy about losing the only one who ever accepted him for who he was, even at his lowest points. the one who defended him when he family were on his ass about not doing enough. if that's what he wants, that's what he gets. if i have to be alone, i'll be alone. i can take it. i made him who he is today, but he doesn't want to acknowledge that. he doesn't have to, but that's the truth. maybe i am better off without him after all. (1/6/24)