do not microwave whey based protein powder. it turns into clumps that taste of cheese. i did not know that, but i know it now and therefore i am asking you, dear reader, not to try it. if you want protein oatmeal, make overnight oats with protein powder instead, that should work much better. just getting that out of the way. my boyfriend stayed the night, and we had a good time as usual. it was the six-month anniversary of our trip to the emergency room. i told him about how i see him as both a father figure and a partner. i said that if it had been a man like him who raised me, i would have felt much less pain in my life. that he is healing my inner child, if you believe in such a thing. i've always lived with a void that i never knew how to fill. but i know now. i thought i could live without love, but i just had never received the correct kind of love before. now i have, and i cannot be without it. he says i'll never have to, and i really hope for that to be the truth. i need him. today i've done nothing but eat. i don't think introducing sugar back into my diet was a good idea at this stage, since it tends to trigger binge eating. i will have to try again. on monday i'm going shopping to get salad ingredients. tomorrow i plan to be back at the gym. when i'm left with nothing to do at home, i just start eating. it's no good. going to get started on a new document now. kind of stepping out of my comfort zone with it, but it's very much an interest of mine so i think i'll have fun writing about it. (11/10/25)
so tired. yesterday and today have been uneventful. i have been at the gym. i have been hungry. i'm going grocery shopping tomorrow, so currently i am planning meals. i need to use up some of the stuff in my freezer, but i don't know what i want to eat. what i do know however, is that i miss oatmeal. i have to get oats and some kind of milk. maybe chocolate oat milk, if there's not too much sugar in it. i think it would go well with my new protein powder, if i decide to make protein oatmeal. not sure about anything in terms of food right now. i eat too much for my own liking, but i exercised for two hours today, so i suppose it would be strange if i wasn't abnormally hungry. it just bothers me i guess. i don't think i have been getting enough protein through my dinner these past few days. trial and error is probably going to be the theme of the coming weeks. i don't know that i should be eating or how much. i have never known how to eat properly. always done something wrong. trust the process i suppose. maybe i'll look online for recipes or something. i think i should make a really big salad with lentil pasta, cheese, chickpeas and various vegetables. i could make a high protein dressing to go with that. protein oatmeal as dessert might satiate me, since i'm mostly hungry in the evenings. during the day i still prefer not to eat much if i'm going to be on my feet. eating makes me tired. anyway. today's gym session was good. i had social rehab after, so i had to shower at the gym. i thought it would feel much weirder to undress in front of people than it actually did. i had a look at myself naked in the changing room mirror. i did not mind it too much, what i saw. i do not need to lose much. a couple kilograms. i no longer want to go under fifty. it would be bad for me, and i should stop entertaining ideas of doing things that are bad for me. one thought at a time. it's hard, but i don't want to give up this time. (9/10/25)
the bus i was on this morning got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. we sat there waiting for about twenty-five minutes before another bus came to pick us up. it was almost an interesting experience. i still made it in time to social rehab. then i went to the gym, used the treadmill and elliptical machines. yesterday i was on the rowing machine for a total of half an hour, so my abs hurt today in certain positions. aside from myself, there were only people over the age of fifty there, from what i could estimate. it's what i prefer if i can't be there alone. young people make me uncomfortable. after my exercise session, i walked to the store in order to get vegetables to turn into a salad, and some wholegrain flour. i had only white flour at home, but i wanted the pie crust to contain 50% wholegrain flour. the pie turned out very nice, i will upload a picture of it in the gallery. so did the salad. i used tomatoes, red onion, red bell pepper, cucumber, sauerkraut and lemon pepper. with that, i had tomato and basil flavored sourcream. i was pleased with that meal. right now i am experiencing a lot of mental hunger, to the point of it being almost debilitating, but from what i understand it is very normal in the early phases of eating disorder recovery. i find it bothersome to be physically full and mentally hungry, so i hope it will go away soon. it's almost like the mental part of it turns physical. i feel hungry, but as soon as i stand up, the heavy feeling of fullness comes back, which must mean that i do not actually need to eat. i keep protein puddings in the fridge now as desserts. thus far, i have succeeded in only having one a day. i used to eat every single one i one sitting if i had multiple at home, because i had told myself that i would have to restrict even harder the day after, which made me feel like it was then or never if i wanted to eat them. the binge-restrict cycle is very real, and i am just now understanding that if i want to get rid of the binges, i have to stop restricting to an unhealthy degree as well. we will see down the line how this works out. day two of attempted recovery is complete. (7/10/25)
what i said yesterday about recovery still stands. my goal will be losing about a pound each week now for a little while, as opposed to an entire kilogram, and then stabilize. i might decide to count calories for a while, just until i get used to how much i should be eating. today has not been the best in terms of eating, but i think i will get that sorted tomorrow. i did not have my preferred breakfast at home, since i was trying something new, but now that has been taken care of. my hips are back in shape, and my workout today felt good. no pain. tomorrow i will be back in the gym. it's good, gives me something to do during the day, which is something i tend to lack. i spoke to my boyfriend about wanting to recover, and he said that i may gain some weight in the beginning, but that i shouldn't worry about that, and i will try not to. as long as i remain active, or adjust my calorie intake based on my activity for the day, i don't think it will become an issue quite like last time. you may think to yourself that this is still restriction. i know. everyone restricts, or they would become obese, unless intuitive eating comes naturally to them, which it does not in my case. i have to actively keep track of what and how much i'm eating during the day to remain healthy. anyway, i believe i can do it this time. my boyfriend had a good point during our conversation about it. he said that i'm changing and evolving so much in my life right now, so it probably is good timing to recover now as well, and that he understands my fear of bringing it up with the healthcare system in case they may want me to go into an inpatient treatment program. for me that would be a last resort. i know how those programs treat some people, and i don't want to go through it. tomorrow i'm going to make a savory pie with half of the mushrooms we found, a red onion, kale, and soy mince. it's been a long time since i made my own pie dough. i just need some fresh vegetables for a side salad. i think it will be fun to make something nice just for me to eat. i do not usually believe that i deserve it. if it turns out nice, i'll put up a picture. (6/10/25)
i have had a great weekend. friday was good, social rehab until noon, then therapy in the afternoon. it was a good session, not too heavy like they can be sometimes. she says i seem to be doing quite well, and that's true. i came to a realization i think i had been waiting for, which was cool, and i'm glad that it happened during the session so that my therapist was able to vallidate it. i told her that the reason why everything i've done with my boyfriend, falling in love, holding hands, being intimate and such, felt like the first time for me, was that with him it felt like it really mattered. it meant somethting, and i wanted to be careful so that nothing happened too fast. i told him about that later in the evening, and he said it was sweet that i felt that way. i'm grateful for having felt that way. it really is no fun being jaded. yesterday i went to the gym and walked fifteen kilometers on the treadmill. today my hips are in a lot of pain, i must have pushed myself too hard. i will exercise again tomorrow. dinner last night was really nice. i like his parents. they make me not miss having a family close by as much. it's good to have people around, and to know that they like having me around. my boyfriend and i spent both friday and saturday night together, so i was able to sleep quite well. today i got started on my friend's wedding accessories. a hairclip. the end product is not going to be a masterpiece, and if she ends up not wearing it on her wedding day i will not be offended. i will put up a picture when everything is finished. big revelation coming now. i am seriously considering eating disorder recovery. i do not want to do this anymore, and this time i feel it may actually work, if i am careful. last time i tried recovery because i needed my libido back in an attempt to save the relationship with my ex, who was not much in the way of support. but things are different now. i am different now. i will have to plan carefully and not buy too much food at once. maybe i'll make weekly menus and cook in batches, so i won't be stressed and make stupid decisions. i think i will discuss this with my boyfriend tomorrow. some consistency in my diet would be good. i'm so hungry all the time now, so something must be missing. i just want to be healthy and find myself attractive. it's all i ask. (5/10/25)
i have been binge eating for the past five days. this must come to an end. tomorrow my boyfriend and i will be making dinner together, and on saturday i'm invited over to his parents for dinner and mahjong, so my opportunities to overeat will be non-existent until sunday. now, i will have to go to the dinner on saturday bloated and feeling disgusting, so i suppose i'll wear something loose fitting and hope it doesn't show on my face and hands. starting sunday, i will go keto. the meal plan is secured, and i have everything i need. tomorrow i will attempt to get a gym membership, so that i can exercise over the weekend. the gym i am currently going to is in the basement of the building i attend social rehab at. it does not have a treadmill, which i do miss, as walking is one of the exercises i can keep up for the longest amount of time. a stairmaster would be nice too. next weekend i am going into the city to shop for winter clothes, and so i need to be smaller for that, or at the very least not bloated. i will spend four hours a day at the gym if i need to. they have a swimming pool that you have to pay extra for, which i am planning to do in the future, when i can bear the thought of being looked at. i have found and purchased a used swimsuit. it is cheetah print with a hot pink inside, halterneck. i think i'll look good in it, in a few weeks. been doing some work on the pillowcase today. i realized that there was no need for a matching thread color when sewing the seams that will not be visible from the outside, so i was able to make progress on that. also, vacuumed the floors. walking around feels so much better now. tomorrow i will call the gym and ask how one can go about becoming a member, and then i will see my therapist. i think it will be a nice day. now, before i shut off the laptop, i will write down some anecdotes that can help me prove to myself that my boyfriend does love me, even when he is not physically here. (2/10/25)
happy october dear visitors. i hope fall will treat you well. today i do not have much. slept much better, i don't even remember what i dreamt, and that is probably a good thing, considering my latest dreams. it's mostly been housework today, and i don't mind that at all. it was very much needed. cleaned toilets, bathroom sinks and the bathtub. removed dead plants and watered my only living one, then cleaned the soil out of the pots. they had been dead for over a year, just standing there. now i need something else to put in the windows. it looks empty. the meeting went very well. she seems to have trusted my competence, and i shall not disappont. i found out the course i want to apply for is all remote work, except for the final test, and that fits me just great. there will be no classes on zoom or anything of the sort, i'll be left to do the work whenever i want, as long as i submit it on time. that means i can mess up my sleep schedule horribly, should i want to. but i don't think that will be needed. if i know myself well enough, i'll probably get the entire week's worth of assignments done in the first two days of the week. i just like finishing things and then having time off. i think i'll be able to graduate this time. going to upload some pictures to the image gallery now. i found a cable i can use to connect my phone to the laptop, which will make the process much simpler, as i will no longer have to email myself the pictures i want to use. (1/10/25)
i slept weird last night. had to stay home from social rehab because of it. the odd dreams have persisted, but the level of strangeness seems to be rising. this time i had two in the same night. i hope it stops soon. full retellings of the dreams from my memories will be published in the dream journal tab, as usual. my boyfriend said that if i don't sleep better tonight, he will stay the night tomorrow to make sure i can rest peacefully. i tested out the sewing machine today. got upset, broke and fixed a part of it, could not get it to work properly. to cool of and stop being so mad, i decided to go for a walk in the woods. this walk ended up being fifteen kilometers and three hours long, due to me getting lost and wandering around aimlessly for a while. after a bit, i did find my way, and it turned out all good. i was actually quite grateful for being able to pass so many hours of the day, plus the exercise i got. after dinner, i found out that i had just been stupid all along, and nothing was the fault of the sewing machine. it was all me. now i know how to operate it. the lowest achievable speed is a bit too fast for my liking, but i will just have to get used to that. while i'm learning to use it, i probably will mostly have it sew seams that won't be so visible on the finished product. the pillowcase will unfortunately have to wait. i must first buy more thread, in better colors than what i currently have on hand. i also need to make wedding jewelry for my friend on the other side of the globe. the supplies i have ordered have arrived so i shall pick them up tomorrow, after my meeting. i have a meeting with a student counsellor, not for any mental health reasons, but to look at options and figure out what the best way for me to study would be. i have a few ideas myself, but i don't know if those are feasible or not. when i get home i have to vacuum the floors, or i'll get my new tights dirty instantly when i start using them, and i don't want that. (30/9/25)
these last two days i have been having crazy dreams. when i woke up this morning, i felt as though i had not slept at all. not good, i hope tonight will be different. i managed to have a jacket auctioned off, so today i went to the post office to have it shipped off to the buyer. two bags full of shoes and clothes have been shipped off today as well. i will say that not every pair of shoes i'm selling ever belonged to me. my parents left two large paper bags full of shoes for me to sort through and sell. some were mine, but most belonged to my sister or my mother. one pair was my father's. i had them taking up space and gathering dust in a corner for almost a full year. sometimes it takes me a while to get around to things. i just was not looking forward to it, especially since most pairs needed to be cleaned. but now it's all done. actually doing it didn't even take long. soon my closet will be all cleared of the things i no longer want. what shall i do then, you may wonder. well, i am now the owner of a brand new sewing machine. i happen to also possess a vast amount of clothes in need of alterations, and fabrics. my first project shall be finishing the fabled pillowcase. i gave the front part of it a bath this evening. it had hand sweat and cat hair woven into it, and i wanted that gone before assembling the parts together. it's much easier to clean that way. and i've made a new meal plan, will put that into action tomorrow. the ingredients are cheap, maybe even cheaper than the stuff i used to eat before. it will be about a thousand calories per day of high protein, low carb and low fat foods. i will also try to burn five hundred calories by exercise each day. that should have be losing about one kilogram per week, and this i will do until november. on fridays my boyfriend and i cook together, so that day tends to be higher in calories, as well as saturdays since there is almost always leftovers. to counteract the effects of that, i will replace two of sunday's meals with protein powder shakes. the protein powder i am currently using, tastes like shit. i cannot wait to just have the bag be finished so i can try another flavor. that one i will not buy again. yesterday i was thinking about god. this is normal. if i had to pick out my five most frequent thought categories, in no particular order, it would likely be as follows: my boyfriend, my appearance and food, the future of me and the rest of beings both living and dead, god, suffering of myself and others. the last two usually intertwine in several ways. this time i asked myself a question. should i be upset with god for, assming that it could, not granting me my dearest wishes each day? or should i be eternally grateful for the fact that i have not been hit by a bus, mugged, or tortured to death? where should the standard be, is what i was wondering. i do stick by the idea that god looks at us blankly, not feeling one way or the other about what happens to us and the earth, so i suppose the question was quite silly to begin with, but it really was not asked from my honest perspective. still, i would do so much to be told just what i need to do to be considered by something greater to be deserving of true happiness. but maybe that makes me a fool, and i should find my own way. i'm lost, but i guess i have time. approximately sixty more years, unless something happens to wipe me out early. (29/9/25)
mushroom picking proved to be fruitful. 1.2kg when prepared for the freezer. it took us several hours to clean and cut them yesterday, but it was worth it. the work itself was quite boring, but we still had a good time, like we always do when we're together. we also did two loads of laundry. some of it was stuff i want to get rid of. it was a productive day. today i boiled the mushrooms in their own water content. another option would have been to let them dry, but i don't have the space for that in here, so in the freezer they went. i have this idea in my head that without mushrooms and berries from the local forests in my freezer, i will starve to death during the winter. i know it's not true, and i can walk to the store for food, but it brings a feeling of safety to forage and store food for the coldest months. other activities of the day include mending the two coats i want to sell, as well as the pockets in a pair of my boyfriend's pants. i have also been cleaning off the rest of the shoes i'm going to ship away to be sold. another bag has been filled. they are huge, and i've managed to fill four of them since i started clearing out my closet. still, i'm going to need another one. four pairs of shoes didn't fit in the last one, and in case some of the stuff i've put up to be auctioned off don't sell, i'll ship it off instead of trying to sell it myself. tomorrow i'm going to put up a pair of shoes on auction. i'm almost certain i'll make good money off of them, so that's good. and my neighbor has paid me back what she owed me, so now i have some more to spend if i need it. been thinking of going keto again. when i did it last time, i didn't really like it, but i could do a better job than i did back then. maybe it's worth a try at least. we'll see. i'm getting kind of tired of my current meal plan, and i feel bloated most of the time, so i feel like there's room for improvement i will have to see what i can do. as usual, i will try to maintain a high protein and low fat diet, so i suppose you'd just call it low carb really. (27/9/25)
went for a two hour walk today. i needed something to do, so i decided to take the bus to somewhere else and just walk around for a while. sitting around at home causes me to go insane, as we know. it was warm out, and the ground was dry for once, so i was able to use my lightweight walking shoes instead of boots. yesterday i wemt to the mall. i am very rarely there, but i needed to buy some stuff, and wanted to wait for my boyfriend while he was helping a friend with things that require a car. just shopping really, she can't drive. i bought three pairs of tights. dark burgundy-ish, brown and beige. after clearing out all my broken pairs, some colors were missing, but that is now corrected. and i managed to find a shaker too, at the pharmacy of all places. it truly does get rid of all the lumps, so it was a good purchase. i then met the friend mentioned above. i know she had wanted to meet me for a while, but i was nervous. people make me anxious, and i was afraid she wouldn't think i was good or pretty enough for him. i don't worry about that now. she said that i am an angel and she wishes to see me again. i liked her, so i would not mind that. i don't like hanging out with several people at once, but i don't mind her as a person. it's just how i am. i prefer one on one time. it makes me feel less like i'm performing. anyway. after my walk i still had some time left before the bus was going to arrive, so i went into a lidl. for those who don't know, it's a german grocery store chain, but they sell lots of other things too. blood pressure monitors, gardening equipment, clothes. right now there's an offer on sewing machines. i own one, but i hate it. to me it's unusable. i'll probably donate it so somebody who understands it can use it. i have so many projects i want to finish or get started on, but the amount of time i know will have to be spent doing the most boring kinds of hand sewing makes me put it off. i think i shall invest in one. that would render me unstoppable in my pursuit for weird clothes. my downstairs neighbor has moved out. that means i can start using my stationary bike without bothering anyone, so getting toned will be even easier now. i have been thinking a lot about what the world does to women and others who present as feminine, and i want to write about that. maybe i should make a new tab for opinion pieces that don't really fit in here. so many ideas, so little energy. tomorrow i'm going mushroom picking with my boyfriend. (25/9/25)
so tired this evening. i woke up at half past four and could not fall asleep again, so i've been up for a good while now. almost sixteen hours. my little workout went well. i think i operated the rowing machine properly, or i'll feel it in my back tomorrow. spent some time on the elliptical and stationary bike as well. all in all it took me about fifty-five minutes, but it must have had some effect, i could barely walk up the stairs after. i look quite good now i must say. there's still work to be done, but i have never been this fit before. other than that i really have not done much today. it's been calm, and i think i needed that. just daydreaming about how i'll look if i keep this up. tomorrow i have a meeting to attend, then it's going to be gym time again. i'm seeing very visible results in my arms already. my chest too i believe. i've never had any chest muscles to speak of before, so i'm not completely sure. the afternoon has been hard on me. nothing much to do, and my brain really does not like that. situations like that is when it finds the time to tell me that i should cease to exist. i think it's partly an isolation thing. earlier i went out for a smoke, and bumped into a couple of my neighbors. usually i prefer to have my cigarette unbothered and then go back inside, but this time it was nice talking to someone. i have not seen boyfriend today, so that contributes to my poor mood. no boyfriend and nothing to do tends to equal bad thoughts. i have a hard time focusing on myself i suppose. usually i don't see much inside myself, if that makes sense. not a lot of nice things to catch my inner eye and so on. we had discussion cards at social rehab today. i'm not a fan of them most of the time. forgive yourself and others. each thought you think will affect your future. if you do not love yourself, nobody else will. no. i disagree. some things do not deserve forgiveness, and holding a grudge can be a great force to propell you forwards in life. sometimes hating someone is all you've got, and that's better than nothing. at certain points in my life i have felt like i am alive purely out of spite. it worked for me. i think countless thoughts each day. most of them in some way bad or inappropriate. i choose not to act on those, and therefore they do not affect my physical life whatsoever. i have loved self-hating individuals, and i have been loved while being boiled alive in my hatred of myself. usually it is a losing game. unless you get better, both will be miserable. i have left and been left due to the effects of self-hatred. i am not fully certain hate is the right word, but i definitely thought lower of myself when i met my boyfriend than i do now. he has helped me with that, even though he never really has tried outright. if someone as good as him can find things in me worth loving, and many at that, i must not be so bad after all. now i feel better. my self respect has improved. i'm not saying that relying on external validation is a good thing, but it can help build you up. ask the ones who love you, why. have them tell you about the traits they see in you that make them want to be near you. most of them you probably will not even have thought of before. (23/9/25)
the day has felt long, i have been all over the place. sixteen thousand steps later, i am now cozied up under a blanket on the couch, as i almost always am in the evenings. bought a thirty day bus pass this morning. it's quite freeing to have one, expensive, but worth it if you travel a lot, which i will do from now on. beenon the bus three times today. to and back from an activity at social rehab, then to meet up with my boyfriend and shop for various things. i bought an orange flower pot that i had been eyeing for a while. orange is one of my favorite colors. it's very warm and usually quite saturated, that's why i like it. i'm currently drinking instant coffee out of an orange moomin mug. also picked up 2kg dumbbells to do my chest exercises with. the 1kg ones feel much too light. i have been on the hunt for a shaker to drink my protein powder out of. i've been using plastic bottles, but they're a hassle to get completely clean, and the powder clumps a lot despite vigorous shaking on my end. i have yet to find one. six stores i have searched at, but exited empty handed each time. i got laughed at by police today on my way to the bus. do not know why. then walking to my destination in the other town, i was howled or yelled at by youngsters from a car with the windows down. i think my seventies-inspired outfit may have been the cause. in that case i guess it's a compliment more than anything. appareatly i must have stood out anyway, and that i already knew. it's not the point, but i usually end up looking quite different from the norm when i dress true to my personality. i felt pretty, so it doesn't matter really. they can look if they want. unprofessional behavior from the cops though. i understand why people don't like them. i don't like them most of the time either, even before they profiled me as a prostitute. i am not. oh well, i'd be a fool to expect better from them. i need to find a good place to store my exercise equipment. right now it's just laying around on the living room table, and that does not look very good. will figure that out tomorrow when i get back home from the gym. boyfriend says that the rowing machine will work my lower back, which i need. it's not in great shape, and i'm not sure how to otherwise fix that, so i'm looking forward to trying it, along with the elliptical machine. i expect to be there for about an hour, then i can go for a walk if i want. either way, i will do my dumbbell exercises when i get home. the rest of the day i can spend doing whatever, but i'll try to get some sewing done. i should really get started on the back piece for the embroidered pillowcase. and i have clothes to alter as well. there will always be work to do. soon it's october. (22/9/25)
been hard at work today. not really, but i have been getting things done. actually being alone all day with barely any contact from my boyfriend has not bothered me a whole lot. another participant at social rehab told me that she was suspected of having borderline personality disorder when she was younger, but that it went away with age, and because her self worth improved. that gave me new hope. i'm roughly half her age, so maybe i won't be bad forever like it's so easy to think. maybe i can start trusting that he loves me even when he's not here. anyway. yesterday i found one pair of fuzzy handcuffs and one pair of fuzzy ankle cuffs which had been given to me by a "friend" last year. i think i forgot on purpose that i had them. and i just want to clarify that when i refer to him as a friend, it never went further than that, and that i don't really consider him to be my friend anymore. well, i cut the fuzz off to put it in the bag for fabric recycling, and the cuffs themselves i put in the bag for metal recycling. these bags are where i sort my trash in my home. now i'm thinking i may retrieve the cuffs to use as accessories for outfits i find to be a bit boring. maybe i could hang them from the belt loops of pants or skirts, or use them as a statement necklace even. could be cool, we will see. i have put clothes up for sale on one of the apps today, been putting that off for years, but now it's being done. gonna need help with the shipping process later. i'm not sure exactly how it works. i'm selling one of my vintage wedding dresses. i bought it when i was seventeen, and certain that i would be getting married to my ex. it never truly fit, too long, too wide, and too much space for the bust. so i altered it a little bit back then, but undid that today. now it looks the way it's supposed to, and i hope a really tall bride to be finds it, like how it was intended to be. i have wondered since i bought it almost four years ago, if someone ever got married in it, and what she would have looked like on that day in the seventies. very beautiful i would assume. i have a second wedding dress that i'm holding onto for the future. it is gunne sax. it is now years since i last tried it on, but i think i may still want to get married in it. so that's what i have been up to today, other than meal prep. i have now figured out the perfect amount of vegetables to put in the sheet pan in order for it to last me five days. it is going well. last sunday i was silly and bought candy. today i have finally debloated fully from that whole ordeal. it took an entire week for my body to go back to normal. no more candy for a while now. probably not until halloween or so. tomorrow i must ask my boyfriend to come help me open a jar of sauerkraut. i wanted to find out today whether or not i like it, but could not get the lid off. this weekend i have been feeling oddly hot, and thus stayed inside. tomorrow i have lots of stuff to do, which involves walking. feels good. will try to sleep at a reasonable hour tonight. (21/9/25)
we have hit 2000 page vistits, that's a milestone. i hope whatever it is that brings you here keeps you coming in. i've had a few busy evenings. busy in a good way, no stress. two days ago i saw my therapist for the first time since august 4th. it was very much needed. she said she cannot diagnose me with borderline personailty disorder, as i do not act out enough, but that i do have traits you would see in someone with the disorder. she gave me homework to do. i'm supposed to write down things, words, memories, that confirm the love my boyfriend has for me, and read them when my brain is trying to trick me into believing that he hates me. i may create a new page for that on here. new meal plan is going well, tomorrow i shall meal prep again. i have started gaining muscle like i wanted, and was told earlier this week that i am thin. good. i will not weigh myself again until october 26th. i have an event on the 28th, and by then i would like to know how much i have left to lose. on tuesday i will go to the gym, and try to do four days a week there. weight lifting i can do at home, so i will mainly use the elliptical machine there. also kind of curious about the rowing machine, so we'll see how that goes. i have a new schedule now, and will have to invest in a thirty day bus pass. expensive, but i'm going to be away five days a week, so it will be worth it. soon i will be pretty, and look more like a boy than i ever have before. i'm already looking forward to spring next year, so i can show off more. but being skinny during the winter is cool too. the look of being draped in sweaters and cardigans can be very androgynous. my new clothes have arrived. i have to alter most of them to be smaller, i don't like garments that make me look like a brick. some shape is desired. i have cleared out even more of my old stuff. threw away every pair of tights that i've kept despite them being broken beyond repair. they will be going to the fabric recycling plant now, along with other broken clothes and fabric scraps. usually i will fix garments, but some have truly seen better days and deserve to cross over to their next life. i'll wash and sell two winter coats, one jacket, one pair of boots and two dresses, plus two entire bags of shoes that my parents dumped here for me to sell, so today i've been doing some work trying to clean those to get them looking good again. yesterday me and my boyfriend ran into my ex's stepmother. she said he has spent all summer at their house complaining about me. i feel bad for her. she's a great person. been thinking about heaven's gate, which does happen quite often. the mass suicide event was indeed tragic, but i hope they got to where they wanted to be. who am i to say they were not right about being able to go with halebop? sometimes i like to believe that if you wish hard enough, sometimes you get your way. like manifestation, or a prayer. maybe it worked. i would say that i'll never know, but i'm not so sure. the only thing you can know for sure, is that you never know for sure. (20/9/25)
meal prepped today. it was fun. i had gotten carrots and potatoes from the gardening group at social rehab. i used to be in that group, so actually tasting the fruits of my labor was nice. i now have food ready until and including thursday, which is good. it turned out really good to, very satiating, and i think that's the key. my meal plan sunday-thursday until november is as follows: high protein yogurt with berries for breakfast at 10, protein powder mixed with water at 14 or 15, then oven roasted potatoes and vegetables, dressing made from high protein yogurt, vegetarian protein source and perhaps something pickled at 17 or 18. this will keep me going throughout the day. most of it is a pleasure to consume, the protein powder i bought today tastes... well, it tastes. but that's my fault, if i wanted it to be a treat i'd shake it with milk instead of water. i am trying to get the maximum amount of protein for the least amount of money. preparing for an economic rough patch next year when i start studying, so i might as well learn now. that way i can also put more money away for later. i have purchased rain boots today. that means i can stay active outside even if the weather is bad, and it probably will be most of the time now for a while. i followed along with a weight lifting video earlier in the afternoon, and it felt good. i need to be active if i want to get where i need to be. i will also start going to the gym again. the gym is very much a fall to spring thing for me. as soon as it gets even remotely dry outside i cancel my membership and start going outside instead. i still need to get some thing for the cold season coming up. A faux fur coat, a rain coat, insulating base layer top and bottoms, and some more athletic clothes. maybe another pair of pants. the next time i go into the city, i will look for that and buy as much as possible used. i don't like buying new clothes. everything is expensive. some stuff that i've ordered should be arriving tomorrow or the day after. picking out nice things took me a while. a lot of the stuff people sell is remarkably ugly, and i could not think of any other garment much of them would go well with. would like to get a haircut again, but i will wait a while, maybe a month or so. tomorrow i'll lift some weights again and go for a long walk with my new boots. it's supposed to rain so i might as well. (15/10/25)
it's been a busy couple days. on thursday i did exactly what i said i would do, and it went smoothly. the ten kilometer walk in the rain back to the city did as well, but i was very wet and cold when i got there. in a lot of pain as well. my boots hade chafed the skin off parts of my feet and my back was begging me to sit down. my boyfriend wanted to show me around at his job. i don't think he really understood how tired i was, and i don't fault him for that. i could have been more clear about it, but i wasn't because i don't know how to stand up for myself in the moment. i cried myself to sleep just from how tired i was. we talked about it yesterday, and now he understands. yesterday was great. he stayed overnight as usual on fridays. we didn't do anything special, but we don't need that anyway. went shopping. picked up a prescription at the pharmacy. made dinner and that was pretty much it. we always talk a lot. i guess that's what we liked about each other to begin with. we got along so well, and keeping up a conversation always felt natural, even from the start. i will see him again on monday. today i've been reorganizing my closet. moving clothes and shelves around. i should have waited to have someone help me, but i didn't. i'm not tall or strong enough to do stuff like that with ease, but it worked out alright. now i've picked out everything i want to get rid of. it's probably two fifths of my wardrobe. things don't fit, or i just don't use them because they don't go well with anything else. so i'll send them away to have them sold, and focus on finding better quality pieces that will be easier to style. i've also gotten started on altering pieces that i want to keep. almost finished one of my mother's blouses that she was planning on throwing away. it had a hole in the side. now that i've taken in the sides to fit me, the hole is no longer an issue. i have come to the conclusion that i want to learn one language from every european language family. i am currently learning german, and have been for many years, but not with the same drive as i am now. i will then try my hand with russian, then lithuanian and finnish. every part of europe that is to the east of me calls to me. i want to see it all. for something very different: i want to become muscular. i must further increase my protein intake and get back into strength training. will meal prep tomorrow. (13/9/25)
watched Possession (1981) last night. i do not have much commentary to offer on it, except "yes. that's really how it feels sometimes.", and that Isabelle Adjani should be considered the scream queen of all that has been and likely all there will be as well. jesus christ. i felt almost a jealousy when i heard how she screamed. i want to do that too. i want to unleash all the rage and sickness i carry with me everywhere i go. oh well, when i've moved to a remote farm it's not going to be an issue anymore. and then there was sister faith and sister chance that she spoke about. i think i still have both of them. i have begun to think that god may not actually be good. maybe god does not concern itself with morals at all. i could fault it for that, but it would be pointless. yes, i'd rather god be good and fix everything in this world that is awful and horrible, but it does not do that. still, i want to be close to it. i feel like it knows me, and maybe it listens. i would rather be close than far away, no matter the consequences. ever since i was a little girl i knew that if the world was to end either way, that i wanted to be there to witness it. i did not get to see the beginning, but maybe i would get to see the end. in a way, that would make it so i'd live forever, just sucked into the nothing. and that might be better than disappearing the regular way. i'll have to think about that more. was at the vet today and paid large amount of money, but i had and still have money stored away for that purpose. i don't like going to the vet, and had hoped that it would no longer be my job, since kitty moved out. but i was wrong. i shared the backseat with him, and he yelled the whole way there and back. the smell in the car and of his breath made me sick, and it had gotten to be late by the time we left the clinic. i had a headache. zoned out. recalled the previous time i was at the vet, it was with my boyfriend in may. he was not my boyfriend yet at the time, at least that's not what i would have referred to him as. later that day i was going to have a meeting with a woman who was going to be my teacher at the school if i got accepted, and it was raining. we decided that we would hang out at my apartment for the two or so hours before the meeting, and he'd take me there so i would not have to walk in the rain. at that point i was not yet comfortable with being in bed together, so we had to cuddle on my couch instead. it was very much a mental thing. i wanted to be close to him, but the bed felt like too intimate of a place. i let him stick his hand under my blouse for the first time that day. i was so nervous i stopped breathing, but i liked the way it felt. that evening i wasn't doing too well. i found out i had been accepted into the school, but felt nothing about it. the lack of a positive feeling made me anxious. and my cat had not come back inside, even though it was late, which worsened the anxiety. he offered to come over, and he slept in my bed with me that night. we were very close to each other in only our underwear. i wanted him so bad, but nothing happened. i knew it would be better to wait, but it was so difficult. in hindsight, i think it was only my shyness that stopped us from going all the way that night. i could not bear to tell him what i was thinking about, and that was probably for the best, so i have no regrets about that. when i told my ex that i had him over (i told him i slept on the couch with my clothes on), he said he probably thought he was going to get inside me and that's why he agreed to come over so late. but i know that's not true. and that's one of the reasons as to why i love him so much. he doesn't think that way. i'm going to school for the last time tomorrow. not in my life, just that particular school. i don't think i will choose to return in the future. there, i will return the dvds i borrowed from a classmate, talk to my teacher, have a cigarette and walk the side of the road into the city. (10/9/25)
yesterday there was not much to say, so i chose not to. i made some food on the stove, but that's all. it will last me up to and including wednesday. today i had a long conversation on the phone with my mother. the intention to begin with was that she was going to help me write an email to my teacher, letting him know that i will cancel my studies there. this was also done, and i have not yet gotten a reply. he better reply tomorrow, or i may call him instead. anyway, the conversation kind of derailed into us complaining about the state of society as a whole, as it often does. i do like listening to her opinions about men, as she has dealt with them for much longer than i have, and it's just nice to hear her speak ill of them. we share many opinions of the sort. that women are usually made responible for the bad things that men inflict upon women, each other, and themselves. i hope to write a bit about that once i get back in school early next year. i have a lot to say about a lot of things. you can tell. i come on here to complain all the time. now for something completely unrelated, i have created a page for images now. and i have learned to resize images within the html editing tab. right now the page contains only one image, but that will change as time goes on. i hope to find more things of interest to upload on there. as i finish the many craft projects i currently have ongoing simultaneously, i will show you the results on that page. recently i have not been working on any of them. i have not found the inner peace needed to do so, which has led to me just being on my phone all day instead, no good. i must finish my pillowcase this month, that's a deadline i'm setting right now. also, i have not been ignoring the dream journal page. i just cannot seem to remember any dreams lately which is a shame. i enjoy dreaming, when it's not severely unsettling anyway. (8/9/25)
i have not had the past two evenings free due to partner being here until late or staying the night. that's probably the most pleasant reason to be absent. him staying the night at my apartment is a friday tradition, but it had to be put on hold while we were sick. we put clean sheets in my bed. my hello kitty bed set had been in it since late may, so it was about time. i stay on top of almost everything else in the household, but for some reason i can never get around to changing the bedsheets. it felt like kind of a waste to do it while i was sick, as i would have wanted to change them after anyway, so i decided to just wait it out. now it's not so hot anymore, so i'm not going to sweat buckets in them either. it was nice to have some help with it. boyfriend is quite tall so he has a much easier time with it than i do. i've spoken a bit with him about my bpd symptoms, and he says i have been doing a great job managing them, and that he hasn't even noticed. that's good. keeping everything inside is a difficult task, but i know i have to. i just need to keep it under wraps until i can get the appropriate help. anyway, i have some good news. i have been told by both my assigned staff at social rehab and my disability case worker that it's okay if i want to drop out of school, so on monday i'll send an email to my teacher and ask how i should go about doing that. then for two weeks i'm not going to do anything. i will have to go to school at least once to meet with said teacher and probably the principal too, and to return dvds i have borrowed from a classmate. i'll feel bad about leaving her. i seem to be the only one she's comfortable with. on wednesday i have a vet appointment too next week, but that's it. other than that i shall do nothing that i don't feel like doing. i may have to argue a little bit with the neighbor to whom i rehomed my cat. she seems to be of the belief that i want him to move back with me when i'm done with studying, but that absolutely is not the case. if she doesn't want to keep him, we will have to work together to find someone else who can take him. i cannot have him living with me again. i would be hanging from the ceiling within a month. so i'm hoping for the least amount of conflict possible with all that. i took a bad fall yesterday and my right ankle is swollen. it hurts to walk. when that's all better i will start going on walks again. it's been almost three weeks since my last one, and i miss it. i need to be active or i lose my mind. i also need to download a short story i wrote for swedish class. the theme was horror, and i wrote about necrophilia. it was the best i could do while staying within the assignment criteria, but i accidentally made it mirror my own feelings of isolation i had while sick. before i drop out, i want to know what my teacher thought of it. (6/9/25)
i have risen from the grave! still not completely recovered from the flu, but better, and i have not cut myself since Sunday. Monday was not very good for the first half of the day. in the car i was out of it. told boyfriend about how i had been doing and how bad it was. about the cutting too. i think he got sad and worried. my chest started hurting. school was the way it always is. i don't like being around people, but it's nice being given something to work on. sometimes i like being told what to do, and told i do it well. after school he picked me up again. i didn't think he would come with me home, but he did, and he held me for several hours. i needed that. i no longer believe he didn't miss me, it was just my brain being mean to me. he was having frequent headaches while sick, and typing on a screen probably hurt, so he mostly slept instead. i know i'm like this, and my thoughts lie to me, but it feels so real when i'm in it. for some reason i was convinced that he was consuming pornography all day due to the lack of physical intimacy, but i was wrong about that. i knew he had quit when we entered a serious relationship, but i had this nagging thought that he had surely watched it at least once while we were away from each other. i am cursed with trust issues, but i have learned to keep those as inside thoughts. either i don't mention them at all, or i try to bring them up tactfully, so i can get relief without him feeling like he's being interrogated. i have gotten quite good at it. he doesn't know me as the person i used to be, or the person i still am at my very core. i care too much about him to let him see it. it would only hurt him, and i'm trying to get rid of those parts of me anyway. yesterday we had dinner together. i had missed it a lot. love has never felt like this before. i have never been so afraid to lose someone before. my ex and i could abuse each other mentally without concequences, and sometimes that was nice. i didn't need to be as careful. but this one i have no desire to hurt, so i snap internally instead, and that is for the best. he doesn't need to know what the bad parts of my brain tell me about him sometimes. it's never true, so bringing it up would be unnecessary. oh well. i feel better now. school doesn't feel as daunting as it did before, but that's mostly because i already know i'm going to drop out, so i'm just surviving the remaining days before i can rest. only three weeks left now, and i'll probably miss a couple days because of various appointments. i think i'll be okay. i just need to rest for a few weeks after. maybe go outside every day like i used to, even though it's starting to get cold, and the dark comes early. whatever. i'll live. (3/9/25)
today was not good. i am far too fragile for all this. my heart rate would not go down and my chest started hurting, so i had to lay down on the floor for a couple of hours to make it go away. lonely again today. how i shall manage tomorrow i do not know. boyfriend is driving me to school and then i will ask him why he's been so distant. most of today i have felt like i've been about to vomit. went out for a smoke earlier this evening, and saw that one of my front doors were ajar. i have two entrances to my apartment, because it used to be two units. i only use one, and assumed that the other one was locked as i had never received the key for it. today i found out that it had been unlocked for two and a half years, and that somebody has now attempted to get inside my home. apparently i'm not crazy. someone is out to get me. or at the very least take a look at my possessions. i hate it. obviously the door is now locked. i ran into my neighbors outside, and talked with them for a bit. they seem concerned about me. i look pale they said. i need to eat properly and take care of myself. did not realize i probably look just the way i feel, which is like shit. oh well. that's okay. today i disassembled a pencil sharpener and cut a little bit for the first time in several years. actually felt better after, i never used to when i did it as a teenager. that does not bode well for my future, but i'll try not to do it again. i'll have to tell my boyfriend before he sees the marks. i'm gonna have to sit him down and talk ith him about how the past 10 days have been for me. he needs to understand why i haven't had anything positive to say when he's asked me how my day has been. i've done nothing fun and fallen into the hole deeper each day. and i've tried not to complain, but at the same time i need his support. i just need some god damn compassion right now before this all kills me. going to bed early tonight. the alarm will wake me at 4:40 and the horrors begin again. i hate it. i want to call my parents but would not know what to say. how do i say that i want to kill myself without actually saying it? or do i just bite the bullet and tell them how fucking bad it is? being an adult sucks. there's nobody to take responsibility for me. nobody to seek help for me. i have to fight my own corner but i suck at it. (31/8/25)
another lonely day. i know it's not true and i shouldn't be so dramatic, but my brain keeps telling me that he doesn't care. he cares, but he doesn't understand the severity of my isolation and what it's doing to me. it would be silly to assume that he would when i haven't told him properly. but it's something i want to talk about in person, which i have not been able to as we both have been sick. i do wish he would text more though. two days in a row now i have made sure everything in my home looks good and tidy, because i have been expecting him to come over. that's on me i guess, as no plans were actually made. just hopes that we would see each other this weekend. maybe he doesn't miss me as mush as he thought he would, now that he's been away from me for almost 10 days. i guess time will tell. i feel like shit anyway. there was some ruckus in the stairwell today, and it scared me. it was very loud, and kept going for quite a long time. voices, stuff bashing around. i was convinced that it had to do with me somehow, and i hid away in my bed. nothing happened, but it stressed me out pretty bad. everything scares me now. my paranoia is getting worse by the day. it would be nice if boyfriend could come over tomorrow so that i could talk about it with him before bein surrounded by people in school on monday. i have had so much time to think this past week. not about anything nice, or not much anyway. i have come to the conclusion that everyone should be grateful i was not born a man. i don't think i would have been a very good one. my father has only bred destructive beings into the world, and i believe that if i was a boy raised by him, i would have grown up to perpetuate the violence that runs in my blood towards others, instead of myself as i do now. come to think of it, your past is really not an excuse for much of anything. my grandmother was an alcoholic. my father became one. i am not one. my abusive ex lost his virginity while passed out drunk, assaulted by an older girl. he did the same to me. i have not and will not do that. it's not that hard not to hurt people in these quite extreme ways. breaking thr cycle is what i'm trying to do. even if i have to bite off every part of myself that might drive me to evil, but i think i may already have done that. (30/8/25)
no boyfriend today, sadly. got a lot done though. vacuumed, did the dishes and cleaned a bit more in the bathroom, went to pick up the used maths book that i had ordered, and then got on the bus to the next town in order to do some shopping. it felt alright. being on the bus gave me a headache, but i need to stop eating ibuprofen every day, so i just had to suck it up. bangs and nails are trimmed. my hands are mine, androgynous, and you can see my eyebrows again. i have a girl face, unfortunately, so i can't pass as sexless. the phone call. it went well. i think she understood this time, even though i held back a little bit. i believe the real kicker for her was when i said that i always feel as if someone is outside my door, trying to get in. i did not have to cry, but i've done that anyway today. the last track on Ethel Cain's new album sure does hit me in places i didn't even know existed, and that's why i love her. more about what i just said, stress causes paranoia, that breeds with my constant fear that i have done something wrong and that someone is mad at me for it. they're trying to get in so that they can yell at me, or worse. i keep seeing stuff in the corner of my eye. there it was, just now. oh well. it will calm down when i can rest my brain. which isn't now, but i can live like this for another month. i'm at an awkward spot with how my body looks. most of my clothes are just slightly too big or slighty too small. not in the way where it looks like a fashion choice, just that i'm wearing the wrong size. i don't like it. the pants i tried on two days ago do button and zip now. it does not look good yet. like sausage casing. not good. but it will not be long until they fit comfortably again, for the first time in two years. something about me has changed. i have been catching myself looking forward to winter. i am a veteran winter hater usually, so i don't know what gives. maybe the fact that it is already dark and cold early in the evenings now, so skipping forward to winter already would speed up the process and bring summer back sooner. maybe. (29/8/25)
not much today. ordered some health products, received mail. i did the dishes, and cleaned the bathroom. tomorrow i will vacuum the floors and rugs, it needs to be done. also, hair removal. i usually don't bother, but felt it was time for some gardening. i must trim my bangs as well, but that's a job for tomorrow. tonight i'm going to trim my nails. they have grown uncomfortably long during my time of illness. it seems to be almost over now, no more clogged nose, slimy lungs or dizzy head. this is good news, since i have to head out shopping tomorrow anyway. i weighed myself this morning, like i said i would. the result was better than i could ever have hoped for. in one week, with my regular diet and no exercise, i have lost 1.3kg. that puts me at 54kg now, which is fantastic. by the end of october i should have reached my goal, without having to work myself into an early grave for it. isn't that cool? tomorrow i'm expecting a call from staff at social rehab. she wants to speak to me about school, and i'm not sure what to say to her. i hate it with my entire being and i never want to go there again, but i can't really say that. i feel like people don't really understand how much i struggle to live and to do things, because of the way i talk about them. i try to describe my feelings in an objective and clinical manner. when i go to talk with someone who is not close to me in my personal life, i put on my "professional skin suit" and it remains on throughout the meeting. skin suit doesn't feel its emotions intensely. i do. but i leave myself at home. the sad and lonely eight year old version of me feels even deeper than regular me, but her i only come in contact with at home, so she never comes along. only skin suit. maybe some of me, but mostly skin suit. it knows that it can't say too much, or i will be put away, and we don't want that. i don't see what it could do for me. anyway, we'll see where it goes. if i can tell she doesn't understand the severity, i'll try to be more vulnerable. it would be a big ask for me to cry on the phone, but if that's what it takes, i may be able to. i hope boyfriend will come over tomorrow. i have missed touching him. maybe he'll be able to tell that i've lost weight. part of me wants to bring it up because i'm so proud, but i don't want him to see how childishly excited i get about it. and i don't want him to worry. if he comes over, i won't post here tomorrow, as he will likely stay the night. (28/8/25)
called the vet today, since i'm technically still a cat owner. just to get more of his meds prescribed. it was scary, i do not like calling. felt like the woman i spoke to knew something was not right with me, the way she talked to me. she was right. i had no idea what to say, even though it was really nothing complicated at all. i had not spoken since monday. before then not since friday. the isolation is doing my head in. i don't know why, but being alone against my will like this just makes me crave violence in a way i don't feel otherwise. maybe it's the lack of stimulation that drives my mind to the extremes. it makes me want to eat myself alive, but i have managed not to. tried on some clothes today. because of boredom mainly, but also to clear some stuff out of my closet. i own a lot of clothes and i need to get rid of the garments i don't use. put on a pair of pants, and in one of the pockets i found the bandage they put on my arm in the emergency room after blood tests a few months ago. i forgot that i ever saved it. it's on the table, next to my laptop as i am typing this. will put it on a shelf later. i was very surprised to see just how much body mass i must have lost. so many pieces look unflattering to me now. baggy, they hang off of me, so i'll just sell them. i could use the money, and the clothes are nice. tomorow i'm going to weigh myself and see what i'm gonna get. hoping for 55kg, just because it's a nice whole number, and it's one i haven't seen in a couple years now. i tried on a pair of pants i wore to a doctor's appointment at my lowest weight. they wouldn't button or zip, but i still got them on all the way, which i never would have thought. it was a nice surprise. i'm expecting them to fit properly in about 3 weeks. maybe on my next therapy appointment, 18/9, i can wear them. i had to reschedule it. it would have been this last monday, 25/8, but i had already fallen ill by then, as we know. i have waited too long already, and now i will have to wait even longer. it's nobody's fault, but i cant deal with it as well as i used to. when i can go outside again, it will feel better. (27/8/25)
the sickness will not loosen its grip on me. had a burning pain in my throat last night, and it had gotten worse by the time i woke up. i think it woke me. what's more, i think i have an umbilical hernia. a week or so ago, i was listening to a horror podcast. it's great company, not too scary usually. one story was about a woman who wanted to see how deep her belly button was, and discovered a hernia. she ended up trying to fix it herself and accidentally began to almost eviscerate herself with her own hands. fingers wrapped around her spine and such. nasty stuff. anyway, the following day before a shower, i decide to just have a feel of mine. my belly button that is, not my spine. and i feel a lump in it. it has been stressing me out ever since. online it says to try pushing it back in yourself, but it doesn't seem to move at all, and i don't want to apply more pressure. i haven't sought out medical advice for it yet, but i think i will have to at some point, even if it's not dangerous. i just can't stand the thought of it being there and potentially growing, i'd rather have it fixed surgically. it would be my first surgery, so at least i would gain one new experience. i also want to try breaking a bone, maybe a rib, but that's something for another day. onto something else, gender stuff. i'm not out of the closet as non-binary or agender, or genderfluid or whatever, yet. not in real life. my boyfriend knows, but he's one of very few. i tell him often that i wish i was a boy, but i'm not even sure if that's true. i don't connect fully to the masculine. i don't connect fully to the feminine either, but i have been wearing the costume for so long that it feels familiar. i don't wear nail polish anymore, or grow my nails long. i painted them for a family gathering earlier this month, but it didn't feel like me. i removed it the next day. i do wear makeup sometimes, but that's because i think i look boring without it. a cool outfit needs a cool face, for the sake of balance, that's all. i love skirts and dresses, but clothing isn't gendered anyway. i wish people didn't decide for me what i am when they see me. (26/8/25)
i've been away for a long while, but i have not forgotten about you. i would never. a lot has happened since, read my update in the biography tab if you want to know all about it. right now i'm sick, seems almost to be a trend for me when i come on here to write. or maybe i just get sick a lot. i do. i have money now. this apartment is mine, my ex is my neighbor. we managed to be good friends for a long while after he officially moved out in october, but since he found out i had fallen in love with someone else, he doesn't want to see me anymore. it kind of sucks to be honest, but i know this had to happen. new boyfriend is great. i love him so much, not in a way that i thought would ever come to me. i would not have dared to hope, but sometimes you get lucky. it feels pure and natural. he loves me like i was his wife and his child and his pet all at the same time. he is my guardian angel and i do my best to be his. for a while i had a cat. actually, it was almost ten months. time sure does pass. it has been a blur, most of it. i love kitty, i took him over from a neighbor who was moving, but i could not emotionally provide for him. the lack of sleep and freedom was killing me. so when i had applied to and gotten into a school, i decided that he would have to move. he would be far too lonely if he was left in my apartment for eight hours a day. he now lives with another one of my neighbors. she already had a cat, so he has a friend to play with when she's away. school has started, and i hate it. it stresses me out to the point that i haven't felt hunger in two or three weeks. i know it's time to eat when i start feeling sick. i need to drop out, and go back to social rehab. good to be back here. oh, and i've cut my hair short again. the hatred of more-than-shoulder-length hair persists. (25/8/25)
i've been away for a little while. first i was housesitting, and then my ex stayed over at the apartment for two days. i can't write when he's here. he just throws me off a lot of the time. i feel like i can't do anything without him watching. yesterday he told me that he wanted to talk. that is always a bad thing. either i'm getting flamed for something insignificant, or he tells me something i don't want to hear. this time, it was the latter. he's still in love with me. yes, we know this. but there's more. apparently, he will never get over me. he will never be as happy with someone else as he was with me. he doesn't even want to be with anyone else. if i told him that there was a chance that we could be together again in 10 years, he'd wait for me. he said that he just wants to be with me. that we don't even have to have sex. that thinking of me with someone else makes him sick. no. i told him no, as softly as i could. i'm not attracted to him. we don't go together as people anymore. and last but not least, i don't want to live in celibacy forever. i'm sick of it. but i would never, ever, not even once let him take me to bed again. the thought makes me sick. knowing that he would if i was to allow it, makes me sick. i hope he changes his mind. i hope he gets over me, and soon. when he leaves for school, he won't see me again for a long while. he will see new people. maybe someone can catch his eye and take him off my hands. i value him as a friend, my only real life friend, but i can't deal with this. i won't be able to live my own life with the knowledge that he is like this. when i'm ready to see someone else, i want the freedom to do so. it's not like i don't understand. he's mourning the end of the relationship and that's fine, but he doesn't have to tell me all this. i know what i want to pursue and that's what i'll do when i can. if he hates me for it then, i guess that's just how it will have to be. i don't own him and he doesn't own me, no matter how much he would like to. (10/7/24)
it turns out i very much did catch a cold on my trip. bronchitis most likely. i've been very sick, but now i'm well again. as well as i can be at this time. i may have recovered from the physical illness, but i'm still in love, and that is a much heavier cross to bear. i met with my therapist yesterday for the first time in a month. i had a lot to say. i told her a little bit about how i feel for this man. not everything, i don't want to be locked up, even if that's what i deserve. she just knows what i want to hear. i told her that while my ex was telling me that he's still in love with me, all i could think about was another man, but that i had to lie and say that i don't want to be in a relationship. that i'm fine on my own. she asked "oh, you like him?" yes, he was very sweet, i said. and he was. so very very sweet. i could go on about that forever, and it's likely that i will. i don't have anything else to do. but i won't do that here. i will create a poetry section on this site and put my sappiest stuff there. it won't rhyme. that's just not what i do. words can go together in many different ways. i've really missed writing. being sick and very tired showed me that it's not optional anymore. it's not just for fun. i have to do it. i don't have a choice anymore. anyway. my therapist said that maybe he thought i was very beautiful, and that him and I will talk more next time. i'm hoping she's right. either way, i owe it to myself to make a move on him in some way. at the very least, i want him to know that i think he has a beautiful smile. i can't even put it into words right now, but i've got time. i just can't go on like this forever. i think i need to start getting into playing instruments. it would give me something to do in the meantime, and us something to talk about. i don't know if we really have anything in common, except for toothy smiles. his is prettier than mine. i'll get him in the end. and i'll treat him so well. i just need to work on myself so i can be the person he deserves. i could never forgive myself if he gives me a chance and i end up hurting him. this is getting too long. i've missed writing here, and i thank everyone who comes here to read. i need to get started on the poetry section now. (4/7/24)
i think i caught a cold or something on my trip. my throat hurts. i wasn't expecting anything else, since i was so close to people i've never met before, and some (one specific person) who i would very much love to meet again. i went to the store, so at least i've got food at home now and i don't have to buy anything else until next week. it seems that i've become afflicted with a new problem. feelings. emotions, if you will. it's painful. i'm not enjoying it, but i don't really want it to go away either. i suppose it gives me a sense of purpose, and something to daydream about. i keep thinking that maybe, when we see each other again, he will tell me that he remembers me, and that seeing me that night meant something to him, just like seeing him meant everything to me. i can't seem to get over it. how he looked at me with those eyes. how his face lit up when he smiled, and how his hand felt on my shoulder. the fabric of his sweater against my skin. i want to wear it. i want to be reminded of what he smelled like. what his hair felt like against my face. i have never felt this way for a person i don't actually know before. but he talked to me like he knew me. he touched me like i was a friend of his. oh how it hurts. it really does. i know i won't be able to think about anything else for months now. the only thing i'm going to focus on is making myself prettier, so i can really blow him away next time. life is beautiful, but only when i'm close to him. (17/6/24)
hi friends. i got back home last night, and i've had such a blast. i haven't been this happy in years. not since i had just met my ex-boyfriend. i had not had as much fun as i did friday night, since i attended a festival with my then best friend and saw Lana Del Rey at age 15. the haircut turned out great. it's really short, but it fits my face. i found the perfect top for the show too, didn't flash anyone, and i got to stand right at the front when my favorite band was on stage. i was so close to the lead singer that i got his sweat all over me. they played my favorite song and i sang along. it was truly magical. i bought a tee and an enamel pin. i'll put it on my jacket later. they gave out postcards for free, so i took one. now for the really special part. i was the only one who wanted anything signed, so they did it just for me. i got to talk to them. i will admit, i've got a little crush on the lead singer, and i have for a while. he looked so pretty when i first saw him come out on stage. prettier than he does in all the pictures and videos i've seen of him. he started talking to me, asking if i liked the show, and said he saw me there at the front. the music was so loud in there that we had to lean in and talk directly into each other's ears. i told him that i loved it, and that i had been looking forward to it for a long time. he smiled so wide at me. it was one of the most beautiful sights i have ever laid my eyes on. then my ex took a picture of me with the entire band. the singer put his arm around my shoulder. his hand felt so warm on my skin. the picture turned out really nice. he smiled in it. i have never seen him smile in a picture with a fan before. i've set it as my desktop background. he gave me a hug before me and my ex went back to the hotel. he smelled so good. i wanted him to hold me forever. i can't wait to see them again. i hope they'll recognize me then. i lost my cigarettes somewhere that night, but that doesn't matter. i got something much more meaningful instead. if life can be this beautiful, i never want to die. (16/6/24)
as usual these days, i'm exhausted. i've been preparing for the trip. it starts tomorrow, and i'll be back home on sunday. the janitor is coming in here tomorrow when i'm not here, so i had to tidy up and clean the entire apartment. i'd feel embarrassed otherwise, knowing that he'd see the mess that was here prior. now it looks nice. i'll be coming home to a clean apartment. future me will be happy. current me just wants to go to bed. i have to get up at 6 tomorrow. it is currently 10 pm. i should take my sleeping pill soon, so i can go to bed before midnight. i'm getting my hair cut by a professional tomorrow. i've been looking forward to that for a long time now. a new look and no more hair in the way all the time. i won't have to tie it back every time i want to do somehting. i just hope and pray that short hair fits me. i should have the face to pull it off, but it's hard to say. also, i have to look in the thift shops for a top that i can wear at the rock show on friday. nothing i own is appropriate. i want something black, tight, and not much coverage. people there don't know me, and my chest is flat anyway, so i'm not worried about accidentally flashing someone. i painted my nails red today. it looks cute despite the hair dye stuck underneath. i'll just have to keep them painted until they've grown out and i can trim off the parts with the dye on them. (12/6/24)
i'm so tired. i haven't really done anything today but that doesn't seem to matter at all. well, i did make a phone call to set up an appointment to get my nexplanon implant switched out for a new one, so at least i won't have to worry about that anymore. i just hope the concentration remains high enough in my body until the new one comes into full effect. i don't want another 6-month period. i wouldn't be able to afford iron supplements and pads right now. today i've begun to feel a profound loneliness. it will likely persist for a while. i felt free after breaking up, but now i want someone to love me like that again. it's just an illusion, i have to remind myself of that. it's because things are going wrong in my life and i want someone to distract me from that. when i get my stuff sorted, hopefully it will go away. when my life feels more fulfilling, i won't be yearning for anyone else. or so i hope, anyway. yesterday i set a picture of my best friend as the homescreen on my phone. they once described our friendship as "vaguely homoerotic" and i do agree. if i never yearn for anyone ever again, i will still yearn for them. they help me through each day of this life that feels so unlivable. it will all be worth it as long as i get to spend my days with them. that's the only future i'm willing to fight for. nothing else has ever mattered to me more. (10/6/24)
i voted today. it was eu-election day and i voted for the green party. it had been 2 years since i last voted. it makes me nervous. i've spent the weekend with my ex. we had a good time. no arguing. he mentioned once that i could move back in with my parents if my financial situation becomes too dire. no i can't. i'd be dead within a month. also, i wouldn't be able to see him, or his family, or my therapist, or invite my online friends into my home, so there would be no reason for me to stay alive to begin with. i'm messaging my mother as i type this. she says that they'll help me pay my rent if needed, as long as i pay them back later. i feel like crying and i'm not sure why. i didn't want it to come to this, but it did. my parents bought my sister a house. since then i've told myself and others that i was never going to let myself end up in that situation. but i did. it feels like shit, but the choice is between that and living on the street. and the third option, suicide. i'm gonna try to avoid that one, even if it's getting increasingly temping. i'm not done here yet. now that i finally know what i want to do, i can't give up. anyways. my ex helped cut my hair. it doesn't look very nice, but it doesn't need to. i dyed it today. i don't know what it looks like from the back, but i hope it's even. the color looks good on me. i've really missed having darker hair. also, i don't need to worry about not being able to lose weight for the trip next week. i don't have enough food to last me until thursday, unless i ration it. that's what i'll do. today i only had breakfast, and i'll do the same on wednesday. (9/6/24)
i can't seem to actually lose any weight. my body changes, the number does not. maybe it's stress? maybe i need to switch up my diet? i actually did that today a little bit. i bought 50 grams of roasted and salted peanuts and some sliced honedew. it was nice. i hadn't had fruit at all since april i think, so it's been a while. i hope it does something to help me lose a little bit. i hope it's not stress because i can't change that. wouldn't it be ironic if i'm plateauing due to stress about the trip i'm urgently trying to lose weight for in the first place? oh well. maybe i just have to be thankful for the fact that i look lighter than i am and stop worrying so much. i look nice, i do. usually i don't really see it in myself, not my body at least, but i look normal. not fat. i am not fat. i'm closer to being underweight than overweight, but i still feel like people see me as larger than average, even though i'm not. i'm glad that others can look at me in a more objective manner than i can look at myself. other people, at least some, find me attractive. above average. i don't know whether most of them have said it because they mean it, or because they want to charm me in an attempt to get in my pants. so far it has only worked for one guy, so it's not a very effective method. anyway, i washed my hair again today. this is because i'm going to dye it on sunday, and it's not supposed to be fully clean when i dye it. but, i still want it to be semi-clean on saturday, because i'm going to cut it then, and keep it in a bag to make something from. maybe a bracelet or something nice to put on the wall. i have several bags of hair in a drawer in this apartment, and some in my old room as well. i miss my old room. my crt-tv and my little bed. and all the stuff still on the shelves. i haven't forgotten about it. (6/6/24)
my ex refused to stay at the psychiatric hospital last night, and he didn't want to be at his mom's house, so he came here instead. it was after 10 pm, and he left before 10 am this morning, so i didn't mind. he doesn't seem to want to argue with me anymore, which is nice, since i will likely be helping him housesit for his mom this weekend. i went for a walk today, without a bandaid or anything on my foot, just a sock. it didn't hurt at all. and i can shower with both feet in the bathtub now. oh how i have missed being able to clean myself properly. i got a letter yesterday that i forgot to write about here. i applied for disability in mid-april, and was told that it would take around 4 months until a decision would be made. here i was, thinking that i would start receiving money in august, and finally be able to start my own life, not having to depend on others. but now i've found out that nobody has even been assigned to my case yet, and nobody will be for another 2-4 months. this means that it may take 8 months until i start getting money, so i'm gonna be stuck in my current situation for a great while longer, unless i can get some help from my local social services. that is, if it's even allowed to have applications pending for 2 different kinds of benefits at a time. i don't know. i just want to live, if that's not too much to ask. apparently, it is. (5/6/24)
i exercised today for the first time in a week. it felt good, but god do i hate indoor biking. it's boring. it hurts after a while. i much prefer walking, but walking burns less calories so i prioritize biking. today i did both, but the walk was short. i just wanted to make sure that my foot felt alright to walk on with my running shoes, and it did, so i'm happy about that. now i don't have to sit inside all day. i don't even have to wear a bandaid on my foot while i'm inside anymore. maybe now i'll be able to sleep for more than 6 hours every night, hopefully. i was going to have dinner with my ex today, not the same food, at the moment i only eat what i've made myself, but i was supposed to bring my food over there and we'd eat together. that did not happen. i'm not sure why, but he's on his way to the psychiatric hospital again. so i ate alone. i don't mind. at least he's going to get some help. he needs it. (4/6/24)
i went to therapy this morning. it was good. i love my therapist. we always laugh together almost no matter what we talk about. sometimes she feels like a much wiser friend. she says she enjoys listening to me talk. and i wore shoes for the first time since wednesday. my foot is healing. it didn't even hurt to walk. soon i'll only need to bandage it when i'm going out. i was afraid that it wouldn't heal in time for my little vacation on the 13th, but sometimes things do go the way you want them to. "something's gotta turn out right", like Alice in Chains said. i made soup today. the stuff at the bottom of the pot got burnt, and that made me a bit sad, but the rest of it was good. now i don't have to think about dinner again until next monday. what should i eat next monday? maybe something fun, or maybe just canned soup. i don't know. we'll see. i wore denim shorts today. my thighs are unshaven but it doesn't matter. the more i start living for what i like to do, the less things like that matter. i used to want a nose job to get rid of the little hump. now i don't. it looks the way it looks and it fits my face and i can breathe just fine most of the time. i used to want to get my boobs done. oh how i wished that they would grow when i was in my early teens. did they? not really, but i used bras anyway because i wanted to feel grown up. now i don't mind my flat chest. i don't need to use bras, so i don't. not even sports bras if i'm just exercising the way i usually do. besides, i'm too scared to go under the knife anyway. i've never had surgery and i don't want to. as long as my body parts function the way i need them to, i'll just let them be. and i won't shave my arms like i started doing when i was 10, or my pubes like i started doing when i was, what, 13? the only parts i've kept shaving on and off since the age of 17 are my legs. i wax my armpits sometimes, and tend to the bush in various ways when i feel like it. i come as i am and as i want to be, and that's just the way it's going to be. i never want to bend to someone else's preferences again. (3/6/24)
we made up over the phone yesterday and he slept here last night. we agreed that nothing is only one person's fault, and that we had been fighting for each other at different points. when i did, he couldn't see it. when he did, i couldn't see it. we've been busy inside our own heads, with our own problems, unable to see anything else. it was okay having him over, no more arguing. i don't have the energy for it. he's away today with his dad's family, and won't be back until after midnight, so i'm alone today. will try to get some stuff done. i'm greasy and the dishes have been piling up. i'm the only one who does them, and i suppose thats fine, at least i know they're done properly. my foot doesn't hurt to walk on anymore, hopefully that means it's healing quickly, despite my poor circulation and calorie deficit. on the topic of calorie deficit, i have lost half a kilogram since thursday. it is now sunday. i'm pleased with this. i feel quite weak, but i likely have a fever right now, so that may be why. and i might not be drining enough water. i don't feel thirsty because i'm not exercising right now like i'm used to doing. either way, i will try to get 6 glasses of water in every day. i don't feel like it. it doesn't taste good toe. i'll just have to power through. i must wash my hair today, and take a bath or shower without getting my foot wet. how? i'll figure it out. that's what i do. (2/6/24)
my ex just left the apartment. he called me before he came over to say that he was angry and wanted to speak to me. that made me nervous. he said that he was sick of paying my bills. i left everything to move here and be with him, but he doesn't understand that. it doesn't matter how many times i tell him that i'm ashamed of letting him pay for me, or that he knows that i have no money. it's not my fault that my psychologist and my doctor agree that i can't work. they're trying to help me to get on disability, but it takes time. what am i supposed to do, sell off my belongings? sell myself? he's mad because i feel backed into a corner whenever he's here. becuse i feel trapped unless i'm alone. because i need time to heal by myself. he doesn't even want to be here. he says that he hates being at his mom's house, but that he hates being here even more. he says that he was the only one putting in effort to make our relationship work. oh really? what was i doing when i hid my issues away from him because i knew he was too fragile to hear about them? when i did all the houseworked and cooked all the food (always 2 different dishes. i was on a 200 calorie a day diet at the time, but still kept the home in pristine condition), and he never thanked me even once until it broke me down to the point that i cried about it? who did all his dishes and wiped every stain and crumb of his off from the table when he was "doing too badly to clean up after himself"? who cleaned the toilet that only he has ever used since we moved in? who supported him through his suicide attempt while dealing with my own problems? i did. all he has ever done is pay the bills, not because he works, but because he's on disability. and here he comes, telling me that i take all his energy and that he's been too nice to me. when i start getting money of my own, he will never have to see me again. i hope he'll be happy about losing the only one who ever accepted him for who he was, even at his lowest points. the one who defended him when he family were on his ass about not doing enough. if that's what he wants, that's what he gets. if i have to be alone, i'll be alone. i can take it. i made him who he is today, but he doesn't want to acknowledge that. he doesn't have to, but that's the truth. maybe i am better off without him after all. (1/6/24)