before we start, i woild like to say that everything i'm about to write on this page comes from inside my own head. i don't align myself with any particular ideology or religion, nor do i currently wish to do so. i write based on what makes sense to me and the signs that i have been given. i, like everyone else, could very well be wrong. this page will be edited as i live my life and understand more about the way things are and why. this page will be divided into several sections for now, but i may choose to combine or even divide further as this work expands. it may at first appear erratic, but that will be fixed as time passes and i add more to it. i have been meaning to write something like this for several months. for more information about me as the person who is writing this, go here.
this is something that i struggle with. it's hard to know what's right. it's even harder to know how to find out, or how much you should think about it? should you think about it to begin with? will it just strike you like lightning one day and everything will make perfect sense from you from then on? if so, when will it happen to you? i don't know. and i don't know when or if it will happen to me. i have changed a lot throughout my teenage years. here i stand, less selfish and more compassionate in my early 20's, trying to figure out how to do the most right for myself, while doing the least wrong to others. i don't eat meat. i don't fly. i very rarely buy new clothes or electronics. i don't drive. i don't watch porn. i don't support ideologies that hurt innocent people, despite having grown up on 4chan and similar sites. these are all things that i feel have impacted me positively as an individual. still, i feel there are things missing. i feel like i could do better, but how? i can't donate to charities, i have no money. i don't have the energy to maintain my relationships with the people around me, even when i know that they want to see me. now, let's get into some things i have done and am trying to do in order to make my life and mental health better.
look at your consumption habits. are you able to get clothing second hand? if not, please make sure that the clothes you buy are ethically and sustainably produced. you could get some thread and a needle, and start making clothes you no longer use into new garments, or fix broken ones. a little goes a long way. ask those close to you for clothes they no longer use. you can do a lot with it. could you buy less beauty and makeup products? i know that it's difficult sometimes to deal with the way you look. i used to wear makeup to school almost every day. now i wear it less than once a week. accepting your natural features will do you good, you don't have to change the way you look for anyone. experimenting with makeup is fine. just be mindful of how much you buy and how much you actually end up using. don't buy more than you need. are you able to reduce your consumption of animal products? you don't have to quit all of it right away if you don't want to. do your research and figure out your dietary needs. most people don't need to eat meat. i haven't in 8 years, and as long as i get enough protein in, i feel great. not contributing to the meat industry will greatly reduce the suffering you cause. keep your electronics for longer. i have had my phone for over 4 years. the screen is cracked, and i've had to tape down one of the buttons on the side to prevent it from falling off. but the phone still works, so i still use it, though i will be switching to a refurbished one soon. all of the things listed above, other than reducing the amount of suffering my consumption causes in the world, have helped me spend much less money than i otherwise would. new clothes, at least ethically produced clothes, are expensive. meat is expensive. a new phone every year or every other year, is expensive. do what you can. it will benefit you and the less fortunate of the world. an additional way to help the world become a better place is to get politically active. look for local groups that you align with and join them. make your voice heard.
what do i mean by this? the only one you can always trust to protect you. this doesn't mean that you should never trust or be vulnerable with others, but be very mindful of who you choose. i have made mistakes before. i have failed to protect myself by being too trusting, and having faith in people that i should not have had faith in. if your friend only wants to talk to you when they need to vent to you, or ask something of you, you should distance yourself from them. make an effort, if you can, to find people who are enthusiastic about your presence in their lives. you'll see the difference. if your partner oversteps your boundaries, or hurts you in other ways voluntarily, do not give a second chance. if they knew what they were doing when they did it, it is likely that they have no interest in changing, even if they tell you so. besides, you are not their lab rat. you don't have to be the person who helps them change, if it happens at your expense. don't listen to their promises and apologies. if those promises have been broken before, they will be broken again. don't let anybody isolate you. instead, surround yourself with people who care about you, and will help you get out of a relationship that is harming you. remember this: a person who actually loves you will not hurt you. it is possible to unwillingly or unknowingly hurt someone who means a lot to you, but if it happens frequently, you must part ways. someone who truly loves you will see the issue and change, or let you go. protect yourself from manipulation. evaluate the situation. does the relationship only feel good to you 30% of the time? leave, no matter how good those 30% feel. in the end, it will not be worth it. advocate for yourself whenever needed. you don't deserve to suffer, whether that be at the hands of yourself or someone else. find people you can trust. ask them for help if you need it. the right people will be there for you without judging you, and they'll help you get to where you need to be. it's not too late.
to live is to experience things. what do you want to experience? not everything needs to be something monumental. i want to make art, movies, music and written works of all kinds, but i also like to go for walks in the summer evening and smell the flowers that bloom. being able to entertain yourself is important, and so is finding inner peace at a level that allows you to just sit with your thoughts for a while without going down a spiral. this can be very difficult. for me, the path started with finding a therapist that i like. then i started spending more time alone, and going out alone. now i don't feel the need for constant escapism. pick up a hobby. draw, paint, write, knit, do a sport. sit outside and look around, feel around, sense the smells and the wind. sit and look outside through the window if for some reason going outside is too much for you. do what you can. take a break and distract yourself if your mind goes to places you're not ready to be in yet. maybe start taking pictures of things you think are interesting, or plain for that matter, just for the sake of it. do things that keep you occupied, but still allow you to be in your own head. look around in there and find out who you are. what do you like and why? how can you build on those things to create a more fulfulling life? what are your visions? start small. i want to make movies, so i'm going to make a documentary about my best friend and our friendship. for this, i will use this laptop, my phone, and probably some free editing software. some people want to dedicate their lives to god in one way or another. do so, if that's what you want, but do it in a way that feels good to you. don't let anyone make you feel guilty for who you are. don't let anyone tell you that you're dirty. you're not. what you want to do is never wrong, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, or involves letting someone else hurt you. i want to do more drugs, and put myself in strange situations. there is potential for me to get hurt if i proceed with that, but it's a blow i'm willing to take. what i want is to know how things feel, and to make something of it later. don't underestimate yourself. persist.
you have to find this out. it can be hard work and it's not fun. i didn't really start questioning myself until my teens, because i didn't know anything about feelings, or traumas, or how things connect later on. nobody taught me because nobody wanted to deal with it. or maybe i was just a child, thinking on the level of a child. i'm not sure how children think. i spent my entire childhood trying not to be one. either way. i started learning about and understanding myself in my teens. i knew since a young age that i had a preference for older men. why? because my father was the first person to touch me in ways that a partner typically would. also, i wanted to be taken care of and thought that someone older would be a good fit. that he would be able to understand me better, and help me, because that's what adults do, understand thingd that kids don't. was i wrong? yes! but that was the thought process. i still like older men, but that's because they're hot. i have let go of the fantasy that i could ever have a parental figure and a partner all in one. to be honest, it doesn't even sound all that appealing anymore, but when i was 14, i was ready to kill for it. i started sending inappropriate images of myself to guys my age (rarely) and men much older (usually) when i was 12 or 13. why? i wanted someone to want me for something, because i felt like nobody did. i wanted compliments and attention, because i was lacking those things. i wanted someone to like me and appreciate me for something. do i regret it today? yes! but i stopped sending them when i was 16, other than to my partners. i have sent provocative pictures since then to people that i have been flirting with, because i genuinely think it's fun now, and i like taking good pictures of myself. with those examples in mind, think about why you do things. are you doing them because they actually make you feel good, or are you just doing them to fill a void within yourself? are you doing them to seek approval from others, rather than from yourself? it's a very difficult process, but when you get yourself out of bad situations, and you regain enough energy to start doing more things just for yourself, and you find the right people, your needs and compulsions to hurt and numb yourself in various ways will start to fade. when you've built yourself up as an individual, you'll no longer feel the need to degrade yourself so that people will want to be around you.